Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
