What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
