just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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