24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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