i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how do flat chested girls get laid?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
