Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
