I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize