I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your dad touched me again.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
