cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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