When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
