I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
