My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
