I got chris browned last night
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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