Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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