At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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