just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
