"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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