The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
