You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
