My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
