just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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