as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
