we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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