I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
