hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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