I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
