I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
