I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
