Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
