I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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