At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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