Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
