my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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