I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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