Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize