I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
