I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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