i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I understand Curling. That high.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
