im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
