Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
