The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
