You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
