Do you still have your period?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize