If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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