Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
