I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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