apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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