perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
