you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
