No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
