No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
