I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
oh god was she eating orange peels again
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
