Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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