I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
