if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
