I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
