You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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