He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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