you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
