i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
