her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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